I've reached the point in my life where I derive entertainment from my oven manual.

Our new-to-us apartment comes with an actually-new oven. This thrilled me, because I have a little thing about really old ovens (which this apartment had, when we first checked it out). In truth, it's not really a little thing, so much as it is a crippling fear that an older oven will --due to its aged state -- silently leak deathly gas, suffer from blown-out pilot lights, and/or create an epic fireball in which we all shall perish.

This is likely a direct consequence of what actually repeatedly happened with the oven in our old apartment (minus epic fireball). It was a scary, unpredictable time, a time when I was so overjoyed to get a new oven that I wrote an entire song about bidding the old one adieu (to the tune of James Blunt's "Goodbye, My Lover,") as early readers of this blog may recall. (Excerpt: "How you disappoint me, you let me down/Your pilot light went out, and my cake didn’t brown/Goodbye my oven, You’re not my friend/Pilot light blew out… Nearly were the death of me.")


Naturally, I sat down to read the manual, so as to avoid any potential oven-related conflagration, and while most of it was helpful, the Q & A page was ...something. What follows are actual, direct questions from the list. I've responded with my own answers in place of theirs, because really, do you want to hear about flex-line gas hookup? No, you do not. No one does.

Why does the food slide to one side of the cookware? 

The obvious answer is a leveling issue and/or gravity, but that's just what the true culprit -- a poltergeist -- wants you to think. It's all about keeping one step ahead of those wily bastards. Or so I've been led to believe from the 4-7 seconds of the Paranormal Activity trailer I could stand to watch before shrieking and frantically turning to Nick Jr. to soothe my frazzled nerves. Basically, I think you need to do something with a demonologist, and maybe a video camera? And also not taunting It? I'm sure it'll work out.

When I used my oven for the first time there was an odor and some smoking?

First of all, that's not an actual question, but neither here nor there, what you're describing doesn't sound like an oven, so much as a bunch of teenage boys. Are there teenage boys in your kitchen? Yes? Lecture them about lung cancer, proper use of deodorant andeschewing Axe body spray. Then get them some Sunny D. Not the purple stuff, but Sunny D. Allegedly, this will cause them to think you're the coolest. Also those pizza roll things. Cook them in your demon lair/oven.

My range makes noises when I use the oven. Is this normal, or is something wrong?

Okay, don't panic, but it seriously, seriously sounds like Zuul is up in there. Hightail it out of there, and do NOT under any circumstances identify yourself as The Keymaster.

My oven smokes excessively while broiling?


Cooking is stressful, and stress manifests itself differently. Drinking, drugs...perhaps a smoking habit, as we see here. We can only assume no one was around to put it on the proper path  in its youth with a stern talking-to and some Sunny D, you know?

My oven temperature doesn't seem right? 


Again, I'm not entirely convinced that you understand the concept of a question. I really --waaaait a second; OMFG. Is this a side effect of demonic possession? Loss of basic grammar skills? I DO NOT POSSESS A CROSS BUT  SO HELP ME, DEMON, I WILL MAKE ONE OUT OF POPSICLE STICKS. JUST DON'T COME AT ME UNTIL I EAT THE POPSICLES.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to read my camera manual to see if any similar such ridiculous questions reside therein.