Instead, I need to talk to you about something that happened today. We -- along with some friends -- took our kids to a (relatively) nearby kids' water park that I did NOT know existed until basically a day ago. (Hooray for having friends who are Planners and Doers and Arrangers of Fun Activities!) The park was great --clean, well-organized, rides for a huge age range of kids, and the lines were minimal. The kids had an amazing time, and we cannot wait to go back. THAT BEING SAID:
~An Open Letter to the Person Who Most Definitely Purposely Stole My Flip-Flops~
Dear Sir or Madam:
Let's not mince words here: you stole my flip-flops, on a HUNDRED-DEGREE DAY, from the lazy river ride at a children's water park. Adding insult to injury, you left your (same sized but CLEARLY DISSIMILAR) fugly plastic Walmart flip-flops in the precise spot where my black and silver Havaianas used to reside. Were you trying to be...nice? Because that just makes me hate you MORE, as it shows that you rationalized the switch by thinking, "it's okay that I'm taking her shoes, because she'll have my shoes." Don't try to protest; I read Silence of the Lambs, and repeatedly watched Primal Fear in high school, so I THINK I know a little something about the complex inner workings of the human mind, you know?
Also, big fat thanks for making me and my husband nearly (well, not really, but NEITHER HERE NOR THERE) get divorced in the middle of the water park. He's SO NICE, you see, and kept insisting that the switch had to have been an accident. And I'm irritated by the whole situation, so I'm all, I AM BASICALLY WALKING ON HOT COALS RIGHT NOW, STOP IT WITH YOUR MILK OF HUMAN KINDNESS CRAP, J. And then poor judgment compelled me to wonder aloud if I should go ask the lifeguard if she'd seen anyone absconding with silver/black flip-flops, and...things were said. Things like OH, LET'S PUT OUT AN ALL-POINTS BULLETIN and me, countering with DON'T YOU GET THAT THIS IS A TECHNICAL CRIME, and then I think Scotland Yard was invoked -- sarcastically -- and I don't even know, because my feet were aflame, and our children were essentially twin popsicle-propelled blurs.
So then I had to borrow my husband's big-ass flip-flops and literally flip-flop my way back through the park, to the parking lot, to fetch the extra pair I had in the car. (THANK GOD FOR THAT.) Because the walk was so long, I soon realized that the most efficient means of keeping the flip-flops on my feet was to perform a sort of...raised-knee...gait-type thing, that--okay, it was a MARCH, alright? I MARCHED BACK TO MY CAR, MUTTERING TO MYSELF, IN EXCEEDINGLY LARGE AND MASCULINE FLIP-FLOPS. I undoubtedly looked both sane and happy as I walked, let me just tell you. And as much as I wanted to complain to J about my trek upon my return, it's important to bear in mind that during my absence, he was chasing after the aforementioned hyper children, by himself, in a water park, without shoes. So. I had to feel bad about that (even though he continues to believe that the missing shoes were an innocent mistake, and no one could do it on purpose, and people are inherently nice and honest mistakes happen and WHY IS HE BEING MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY ABOUT THIS).
And I want you (AND HIM) to know that when I shared this tale with Ali, she promptly guessed the brand of stolen flip-flops, and told me that her sister -- who has a pair -- had been warned at the beach, because, and I quote, "people are stealing them like nuts." WHO IN THE HELL STEALS OTHER PEOPLE'S FLIP-FLOPS? And what's more, HOW HAS THIS BECOME AN EPIDEMIC? Is that shoe-stealing episode of Sex and the City to blame for this? The recession? The lunar cycle? Karl Rove? WHAT?
In closing, I'm well aware that there are bigger problems in the world, but right now, I am hatiest toward your thieving ass. I can only hope that the stubborn plantar wart that once befell my big toe visits itself upon your feet, tenfold.
Tell me: Who do you think is right: me, or J? WE ARE DYING TO KNOW.
UPDATE: Something is up with Blogger's comments; they're coming through via email just fine, but are taking forever to actually show up here. I just wanted you to know I'm not deleting comments for no reason, or whatever. :)