Her version of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" is on pretty much an endless loop around here lately:
Pinko, Pickle Little Star. from metalia on Vimeo.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Craiglist is Super Awesome, or: Why we shall be homeless forever
You guys, I think we're gonna have to live in our car.
I always giggle when people throw around the phrase "a lot of balls in the air," because: hilarity, but you know what? It's not so funny when it's you with the balls. Or...something. At the risk of jinxing the seventy trillion things going on right now, we are currently amidst Giant! Question! Marks! (the good kind, I suppose) in connection with...uh...hmm. Most of you don't speak Hebrew, right? Well, let's try Pig Latin! The ale-say of our apartment-hay, and also ob-jay uff-stay, and an upcoming acation-vay. And then there's the planning of the kids' upcoming birthday parties, life in general, and finding a three-bedroom apartment to rent in this town, which is proving to be quite the challenge, AND OH MY GOD OUR CAR, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE IN OUR CAR.
As you may have guessed from my slight outburst, we have been spending a lot of time over the past few weeks engaged in a maddening and endless round of The Apartment Search Cycle. Given the generally frequent turnover of rental apartments coupled with the crazypants NY real estate market (we want to stay right where we are now, only get a bigger place), every few days, J and I go through this:
It is pretty much unchanging, except for the level of inebriation of the realtor dudes we end up talking to from Craigslist. One of whom, by the way, attempted to give me directions to a place like so:
Me: Hello?
Craiglist guy: YO.
Me: ….
CG: I’m calling you back.
Me: Thanks, I was interested in the three bedroom on [street].
CG: Yeah, that’s a beautiful place. Right next to the pizza store.
Me: There’s no pizza store there.
CG: Yes there is! Right by the train.
Me: Train?
CG: I’ve been a realtor for quite some time.
Me: Um. Can you give me the actual address? So I can figure out where it is?
CG: Okay, let me tell you what: I’ll tell you how I get there when I get off the train.
Me: O…kay?
CG: So, I take the train up to...well...which way are you facing?
Me: RIGHT NOW??
Him: I can tell you're not serious about this place.
Me: That’s…I...wha?!
And yesterday was a truly special day, as I got to look at a promising apartment in a gorgeous building. "The tenants moved suddenly!" crowed the broker, so I off I ran. Now, I've moved into and out of a lot of places in my day, and most apartments have a "broom clean" clause in the lease, indicating that the place has to be swept up and damage-free in order to ensure that you get your security deposit back. We walked into the apartment together, and immediately, I was struck by two things: "This place smells like a wet cat and old diapers" was one. Two was TINY FALLING GLASS SHARDS, actually striking me, due to the lightbulb/fixture sort of fizzling and popping as the broker attempted to switch it on.
As it turned out, the apartment was actually strewn with dirty diapers, which is both awesome and considerate and not at all simultaneously inducing both rage and barf. As for the wet cat smell, the prior renters had also thoughtfully left a cat bed there, propped up next to an empty Belvedere bottle. ART, you guys.
Sadly, this place (after some painting and heavy-duty cleaning) is literally our best prospect right now. (Besides our car, I mean.) Tell me it's going to be okay. TELL ME IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. *dry heaves in terror*
I always giggle when people throw around the phrase "a lot of balls in the air," because: hilarity, but you know what? It's not so funny when it's you with the balls. Or...something. At the risk of jinxing the seventy trillion things going on right now, we are currently amidst Giant! Question! Marks! (the good kind, I suppose) in connection with...uh...hmm. Most of you don't speak Hebrew, right? Well, let's try Pig Latin! The ale-say of our apartment-hay, and also ob-jay uff-stay, and an upcoming acation-vay. And then there's the planning of the kids' upcoming birthday parties, life in general, and finding a three-bedroom apartment to rent in this town, which is proving to be quite the challenge, AND OH MY GOD OUR CAR, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE IN OUR CAR.
As you may have guessed from my slight outburst, we have been spending a lot of time over the past few weeks engaged in a maddening and endless round of The Apartment Search Cycle. Given the generally frequent turnover of rental apartments coupled with the crazypants NY real estate market (we want to stay right where we are now, only get a bigger place), every few days, J and I go through this:
It is pretty much unchanging, except for the level of inebriation of the realtor dudes we end up talking to from Craigslist. One of whom, by the way, attempted to give me directions to a place like so:
Me: Hello?
Craiglist guy: YO.
Me: ….
CG: I’m calling you back.
Me: Thanks, I was interested in the three bedroom on [street].
CG: Yeah, that’s a beautiful place. Right next to the pizza store.
Me: There’s no pizza store there.
CG: Yes there is! Right by the train.
Me: Train?
CG: I’ve been a realtor for quite some time.
Me: Um. Can you give me the actual address? So I can figure out where it is?
CG: Okay, let me tell you what: I’ll tell you how I get there when I get off the train.
Me: O…kay?
CG: So, I take the train up to...well...which way are you facing?
Me: RIGHT NOW??
Him: I can tell you're not serious about this place.
Me: That’s…I...wha?!
And yesterday was a truly special day, as I got to look at a promising apartment in a gorgeous building. "The tenants moved suddenly!" crowed the broker, so I off I ran. Now, I've moved into and out of a lot of places in my day, and most apartments have a "broom clean" clause in the lease, indicating that the place has to be swept up and damage-free in order to ensure that you get your security deposit back. We walked into the apartment together, and immediately, I was struck by two things: "This place smells like a wet cat and old diapers" was one. Two was TINY FALLING GLASS SHARDS, actually striking me, due to the lightbulb/fixture sort of fizzling and popping as the broker attempted to switch it on.
As it turned out, the apartment was actually strewn with dirty diapers, which is both awesome and considerate and not at all simultaneously inducing both rage and barf. As for the wet cat smell, the prior renters had also thoughtfully left a cat bed there, propped up next to an empty Belvedere bottle. ART, you guys.
Sadly, this place (after some painting and heavy-duty cleaning) is literally our best prospect right now. (Besides our car, I mean.) Tell me it's going to be okay. TELL ME IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. *dry heaves in terror*
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I'm Gonna End Up on the No-Fly List Now, I Imagine.
I sort of lost the will to live around 10:45 this morning. It came back, thankfully, and in my defense, the direct cause of this issue was my attempt to renew my passport. So you can learn from my apparent colossal idiocy, behold:
Before you begin:
This probably goes without saying, but do try to avoid letting your passport expire when you're planning a potential trip outside the country within a month. This will require a lot of Nervous Scrambling. Are you a moron like me? Congratulations! Let's begin:
1. Avoid making such realization on a rainy day. You need to get a new passport picture, remember? Frizzy rat's nest hair, ahoy! Very foxy! The SUPER FOXIEST!
2. Don't attempt to smile while your new passport picture is being taken, because then you will be admonished with a "NO TEETH SMILES!" from the photographer. Do you know how you look in a picture after you've just been told to dial back a smile? I shall tell you: Like you just smelled a fart, and you're annoyed, and are consequently working on a witty, cutting remark to make to the person who farted, and oh! you just thought of one, and you're really proud of it. Observe:
(The picture on the left is my old passport. It was evidently taken back in the Teeth Smiles Days. It was a simpler time. My overly-tanned 19-year-old-self was VERY EXCITED ABOUT AMERICA. USA! USA!)
3. Do you have your passport photos in hand? Great! Next, definitely DON'T call your local Passport Acceptance Center to ask if you can bring all your required updated renewal documentation stuff in so as to...have your...Passport...Accepted. Someone will pick up on the first ring, be exceedingly cordial, and say, "Sure! Come on in!" This is a trap. Don't fall for it. You're better than that.
4. Don't think it stopped raining. It didn't.
5. Don't traipse over to the post office (the location of said Passport Acceptance Center) with an air of hope, and one of cautious optimism. The post office senses these emotions, views them as a glitch in their matrix, and deploys its sentinels to quash it.
6. Accordingly, don't ask the woman behind the information desk where you should go to deal with the passport renewal. She will tell you that she can help you. She will then give you stunningly inaccurate information, eff up your entire application, and make you write a check (the only check you have on you) in the wrong amount.
7. As you leave in frustration with your now-useless check, don't miss the wee sign that says ~Passport Center~ by a little alcove near the exit.
8. DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD APPROACH THE WINDOW. EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ELSE IS ON LINE, AND THE MAN BEHIND THE WINDOW IS QUITE LITERALLY STARING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. HE IS VERY, VERY SPECIAL INDEED, NOT UNLIKE THE RARE WAMPUS CAT, AND YOU SHALL UPSET THE DELICATE BALANCE OF HIS UNIVERSE BY APPROACHING HIS WINDOW BEFORE HE CALLS YOU, YOU UNTHINKING ASSHOLE. WHY DO YOU NOT SIMPLY SET YOURSELF AFLAAAAAME.
9. When he finally does deign to officially summon you, don't go up there without having memorized the titles of the completed forms. He'll be all, "Where's your DS-82?!" And you'll be nodding in that smiling, panicked way, thinking, "vitamins? Portable gaming system? WHA OH GOD HELP ME I DON'T WANT HIM TO YELL AGAIN." when it turns out he's referring to the form in your HAND, and is basically being a douche.
10. Don't be too stubborn. When he ultimately tells you to not to submit it, but to mail it, and "cross [your] fingers" that the renewal arrives in a timely fashion? You'd best suck it up and go to one of those expedited passport places and hand over twenty-two gillion dollars. (DO NOT UNCROSS FINGERS. DO NOT UNCROSS FINGERS.)
How Not to Renew Your Passport
Before you begin:
This probably goes without saying, but do try to avoid letting your passport expire when you're planning a potential trip outside the country within a month. This will require a lot of Nervous Scrambling. Are you a moron like me? Congratulations! Let's begin:
1. Avoid making such realization on a rainy day. You need to get a new passport picture, remember? Frizzy rat's nest hair, ahoy! Very foxy! The SUPER FOXIEST!
2. Don't attempt to smile while your new passport picture is being taken, because then you will be admonished with a "NO TEETH SMILES!" from the photographer. Do you know how you look in a picture after you've just been told to dial back a smile? I shall tell you: Like you just smelled a fart, and you're annoyed, and are consequently working on a witty, cutting remark to make to the person who farted, and oh! you just thought of one, and you're really proud of it. Observe:
(The picture on the left is my old passport. It was evidently taken back in the Teeth Smiles Days. It was a simpler time. My overly-tanned 19-year-old-self was VERY EXCITED ABOUT AMERICA. USA! USA!)
3. Do you have your passport photos in hand? Great! Next, definitely DON'T call your local Passport Acceptance Center to ask if you can bring all your required updated renewal documentation stuff in so as to...have your...Passport...Accepted. Someone will pick up on the first ring, be exceedingly cordial, and say, "Sure! Come on in!" This is a trap. Don't fall for it. You're better than that.
4. Don't think it stopped raining. It didn't.
5. Don't traipse over to the post office (the location of said Passport Acceptance Center) with an air of hope, and one of cautious optimism. The post office senses these emotions, views them as a glitch in their matrix, and deploys its sentinels to quash it.
6. Accordingly, don't ask the woman behind the information desk where you should go to deal with the passport renewal. She will tell you that she can help you. She will then give you stunningly inaccurate information, eff up your entire application, and make you write a check (the only check you have on you) in the wrong amount.
7. As you leave in frustration with your now-useless check, don't miss the wee sign that says ~Passport Center~ by a little alcove near the exit.
8. DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD APPROACH THE WINDOW. EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ELSE IS ON LINE, AND THE MAN BEHIND THE WINDOW IS QUITE LITERALLY STARING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. HE IS VERY, VERY SPECIAL INDEED, NOT UNLIKE THE RARE WAMPUS CAT, AND YOU SHALL UPSET THE DELICATE BALANCE OF HIS UNIVERSE BY APPROACHING HIS WINDOW BEFORE HE CALLS YOU, YOU UNTHINKING ASSHOLE. WHY DO YOU NOT SIMPLY SET YOURSELF AFLAAAAAME.
9. When he finally does deign to officially summon you, don't go up there without having memorized the titles of the completed forms. He'll be all, "Where's your DS-82?!" And you'll be nodding in that smiling, panicked way, thinking, "vitamins? Portable gaming system? WHA OH GOD HELP ME I DON'T WANT HIM TO YELL AGAIN." when it turns out he's referring to the form in your HAND, and is basically being a douche.
10. Don't be too stubborn. When he ultimately tells you to not to submit it, but to mail it, and "cross [your] fingers" that the renewal arrives in a timely fashion? You'd best suck it up and go to one of those expedited passport places and hand over twenty-two gillion dollars. (DO NOT UNCROSS FINGERS. DO NOT UNCROSS FINGERS.)
Monday, May 3, 2010
Shady Behavior
Well! Terrible Twos have hit our house a few months ahead of schedule. To give you an idea of what we've been dealing with, heavy-duty tape is frequently on our shopping list, on account of our need to TAPE DOWN THE (crib-adjacent) LIGHT SWITCH ON A NIGHTLY BASIS. Also, candles need to be kept out of reach, because -- although unscented, and boring to you or me -- they are apparently an irresistible delicacy to an almost-two-year-old.
And let's not forget the Siren-like allure of the lampshades. O, lampshades! What tales you must tell! Surely the only way to hear them is by frequently ripping you down! Tell us, lampshades! Tell us your secrets!
Lo, you see, has destroyed her second one in as many weeks, and at this point, I suppose it's shame on us, or whatever. Rather than getting truly upset, I decided to (a) rearrange the furniture a bit so it doesn't happen again; (b) start perusing sundry lampshade purveyors' wares; and (c) work through my feelings by focusing on the bright side, which is...
3. Elizabethan collar!
And let's not forget the Siren-like allure of the lampshades. O, lampshades! What tales you must tell! Surely the only way to hear them is by frequently ripping you down! Tell us, lampshades! Tell us your secrets!
Lo, you see, has destroyed her second one in as many weeks, and at this point, I suppose it's shame on us, or whatever. Rather than getting truly upset, I decided to (a) rearrange the furniture a bit so it doesn't happen again; (b) start perusing sundry lampshade purveyors' wares; and (c) work through my feelings by focusing on the bright side, which is...
FIVE THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR RECENTLY-DESTROYED LAMPSHADE
1. Act out key scenes from Good Morning Vietnam. Hey, baby! What's happening? Let's groove!*
2. The obvious.
4. Beatific, glowing, kinda cruciform halo!
5. Kentucky Derby attendee!
Lemonade from lemons, people. Lemonade from lemons.
Thank you for the quote, Ali Martell!
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