Thirty

When I was a kid, I loved, loved, LOVED The Baby-sitter's Club series in what -- in retrospect -- was probably a obsessive manner.

Practice my "s"s to mimic Stacey's? I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

There are a ton of details I recall about it, details such as "minutiae of Claudia's outfits" (which, among others, probably take up valuable space where "parallel parking skills" and "the '12' multiplication table" should reside), but there's one specific thing I remember above all else: I distinctly recall reading about how they were in seventh (and then eighth) grade, and thinking, "man. Seventh grade. SEVENTH GRADE. That's SO GROWN UP." I held  it up in my mind as the avatar of (young) adulthood.

Suddenly, I found myself IN seventh grade, and realized that -- unlike Claudia's fetching striped legging and spatter-painted parrot shirt combo -- it wasn't as sophisticated as I had imagined it to be. I pressed on, with 20 as the new bar of maturity, and soon enough found myself there, making incredibly unwise decisions, often  involving amaretto. Also, public cry-fights. "Well, 30, then," I told myself. That's when you're really a grown-up."

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I know there's been a lot of talk lately about life lists, and -- without any judgment whatsoever about your feelings on the subject -- I have to say it's not for me. It's ironic, considering I spend untold hours writing and rewriting To-Do lists, even doing the ol' add-already-completed-item-to-list-for-express-purpose-of-crossing-it-off, but the thought of compiling a full-on list of what I want to accomplish in my life makes me (me) feel squicky. Had I written one in seventh grade, about what future me was to accomplish, it likely would've involved the Olympics (I was a gymnast), and becoming a --wait for it -- ROLLER COASTER DESIGNER.

Had I written it at 20, it would have involved law school, staying in NYC proper, and pursuing the decidedly wrong person for me. I had no plan for where I ended up, and no blueprint for what I consider to be a good, fulfilling life. It's not to say I don't make proactive choices; it's just that I can't see myself jotting down my wishes, because honestly, I'm not so sure we (I) always want what we (I) say and think we (I) want. I -- as a lot of people do -- made a series of decisions in my early twenties (some excellent, some not-so-excellent, and some likely inconsequential), that somehow led me to here: a successful career in a field that I never would've considered earlier in life, living in a town I never would've thought I'd live in, a fantastic marriage to a man who is unequivocally the right person for me, and two amazing kids who inspire me, challenge me, and constantly teach me how to be a better mom. It's my life, and while it's not the life I imagined, or would've plotted out on a list, it's absolutely the life I want, and am so thankful to have.

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Today I turn 30, and as it turns out, once again, I was wrong about this age being the one where you feel like a grown-up. I still feel like me. I have no idea what the next decades hold for me, but I now know enough to know that I'll probably never feel Like A Grown Up. The older I get, the more I realize I don't know. What I do know, though, is to just enjoy it as it comes, sans bullet-pointed blueprint, and to simply be grateful for all the good that's in my life.

And I am.

 

What I've Been Up To (Prominently Featuring Diabeetus Cat and the Zombie Apocalypse)

1. I just changed jobs. It's within the same company, but still. Now, granted, you may have noticed that I studiously avoid making any other comment about my workplace here other than that I...have a place where I work (and I genuinely love my job), so this will likely have no impact on you whatsoever. (I could be a firefighter, for all you know! A Supreme Court Judge! A high-class escort! A firefighting escort judge!) However, I will say that I've worked in the same division for eight (!!!) years, so the change is a big one for me, but something that I decided was important for my career (as a CSI? Marine Biologist? Real World producer? NO ONE KNOWS.), and I'm excited/nervous, which is, I suppose, par for the course with these types of things. A few nerves are good, right?

2. The fall Jewish holidays, man. I can't catch my breath. We went to my parents for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur -- coming home in between -- and then we're off to my in-laws for the first days of Succot, also known as "that holiday with the outdoor booths" later this week. Then we come back home (huzzah!) for Simchat Torah, also known as "that holiday with all the drinking." We are a festive people when we're not fasting.

3. My birthday is coming up on Sunday, and I turn 30. I love the idea of being 30. I cannot remember the last time I was this excited for a birthday, crow's feet be damned. (Maybe the year I turned 10? When I was all, "double digits, man. I am so sophistica--You WILL be mine this year, American-Girls-doll-named-Samantha"? I think then.)

4. I'm developing the world's largest ladycrush on Emma Stone. After going to see The Town (I KNOW, I'm a glutton for freak-ass scary nun-robber-related punishment) and finding it sold out, we opted instead for Easy A, as it possessed the key quality of "playing at the same time, and not being Devil." She's adorable! That raspy voice! That pretty auburn hair! She is my new Lindsay Lohan (who I used to adore to pieces). (Sorry, Emily; at long last, I've finally given up on our girl.) Call me, Emma! I want to talk about your hair and also eat some pie! You seem fun! And/or as if you'd like to eat some pie!

5. Against my better judgment, I started rereading The Passage (relatedly: Am in a reading funk. What to read next? Help!) and consequently, I have spent more time than I care to admit lately thinking about how I'd handle a zombie apocalypse. Not Helping At All: The Walking Dead previews on AMC during Mad Men. I don't want to give away all of my strategies, but my multi-part plan involves both hiding in my file cabinet and subsequently ACTING like a zombie despite still retaining my human form. I know. I don't know why I haven't been given an MacArthur Fellowship award, either. It's all politics, I'm sure.

6. Getting me through this stressful time is Diabeetus Cat. Oh, Diabeetus Cat, how you make me laugh!

 

7. I honestly just had to google whether or not Wilford Brimley is still alive. (He is! Good for you, old boy.) I have trouble remembering with that guy. 

8. See also: Carol Channing, Brian Dennehy, George Hamilton. AND I KNOW THERE ARE MORE. I just can't even REMEMBER the people whose, er, life status I CANNOT REMEMBER.

Why I'm Angry at Ben Affleck

1. The previews for The Town.

2. Specifically, the ghoul-faced nuns.

2. Okay, SOLELY the ghoul-faced nuns. I really do want to see the movie, but for the ghoul-faced nuns. Whither the nuns, Affleck?

3. The fact that I need to walk through a tunnel in Grand Central Terminal early each morning while basically half-asleep, and every day -- EVERY DAY -- I completely forget that the ghoul faced-nuns are there, on my left, and then I get startled. And since I'm so tired I'm essentially in REM sleep while I'm walking by, it's that much more frightening. OH ALSO A SECOND POSTER APPEARS 10 FEET LATER ON THE OTHER SIDE.

4.  La la la la laaaaaa OH GOOD LORD WHYYYYYYY.

 

OH NOOOOO, THE SECOND ONE, NOOOOO.

5. EVERY DAY, PEOPLE.

6. I mean, surely there are OTHER aspects of the film to showcase, amirite?

7. The fact that a few weeks ago, J showed me a new zip-up jacket thing he got for football season, and asked me if I liked it, and I replied, "Was it hard for you emotionally when you knocked on Will's door, and it turned out he was gone, because he had to go see about a girl?" And I was SO PROUD of my clever joke (because the jacket looked like something Ben Affleck's Good Will Hunting character, Chuckie, would wear, you see), and then I had to EXPLAIN my reference, and yes, said reference is about 13 years too late, but it was AWESOME, and you would understand, had you seen the jacket thing.

8. Okay, that's not really Ben Affleck's fault, per se, but he's involved, so here that shall stay.

9. And while we're at it: I will continue to be creeped out by the animal cracker scene in Armageddon for the rest of my days.

10. THIS, less than a block away from my office, spotted earlier today. STOP THE MADNESS, AFFLECK.

Scenes from a vacation (PHOTO BARRAGE OMG.)